13 Things I Would Say To My Kid (if I had one)

As I become older than dirt and an upcoming senior citizen who doesn’t like Jello (it’s a texture thing), I find myself wondering more and more what it would have been like if I had a kid. Of course the world would be amazing if there was another one of me walking around, but my days of having a kid are most likely over being I am 39 and young people annoy the shit out of me.

But if I did have one (assuming I don’t already have one that I don’t know about), these are the top ten things I would tell the little fucker.

  1. You will become a professional tennis player: Yes, if you quit tennis I will no longer love you and will be forced to disown you. Yes, I know this is “wrong,” but the real joy in life you bring me is that I can live vicariously through you as you climb the tennis rankings. You will thank me later because you will be rich and have an amazing life.
  2. Don’t drink or only do so on the weekends: I love a good cocktail. I have had no fewer than a billion of them in my lifetime. They come at a cost though. You will find that most really successful people either do not drink or drink very little. People in your life during various stages will apply vast amounts of pressure and try to convince you that it is fun and it is cool to go out every night and get wasted. Most of those people are doing so to feel better about themselves. Most of those people could care less about you, they are using you to feel better about themselves. Having a drink or two on occasion is fine, but don’t overdo it and you should realize that there are plenty of other things that are “fun.”
  3. Get up early: Getting up early is not for everyone, but you will find it can give you a distinct advantage in the world. By getting up early you can have breakfast, workout, check the news, write emails and so on. You can be so far ahead of everyone else before they even wake up.
  4. Be happy for people, let it motivate you: People who are jealous of other people rarely become super successful in life. Everyone is on their own path. Some people do get luckier than others, some people are born rich, some people get things that you should have gotten, but there are also billions of people who would love to be where you are. Be happy for people who get lucky and successful. Don’t focus on them. It will get you nowhere. Focus on you. Focus on your goals and your dreams. You can do whatever you want, you just have to work hard and make your own luck.
  5. If the package is empty, throw it in the trash: I always drove my mom nuts when I would not throw out a bag of chips when they were done. And it just screwed myself because new chips were never bought because my mom assumed there were still chips in the package. I still struggle with this and I live alone annoying myself weekly.
  6. Have your own opinion and beliefs: Do the work, do the research, form your own opinions and ideals. The world is filled with followers and people who just share uneducated opinions. It won’t bother me if our political opinions are the opposite, however it will always bother me if your opinions aren’t researched and educated. And do the research, don’t trust things because someone said them. Dig deeper.
  7. I could care less if you are gay: It is fine if you are gay or a different gender: I will never be upset or disappointed if you end up being gay or of a different gender. What I care about is that you are a good person. And besides, I watch Bravo and Food TV, so we could bond and crap.
  8. Be on time and follow proper sidewalk etiquette: It sounds simple and that is because it is but just because it is simple, it doesn’t take away from the extreme importance of it. It means you care about others. Sure there will be a reason once in awhile to be late, but when you are always late it means you don’t respect other people’s time. Always be thoughtful of other people.
  9. Being a gentleman or be with someone who is a gentleman: If you are a man, always be a gentleman. Open doors, get up from the table if she walks in the room, say bless you, etc. And no ALWAYS means no. If you are a woman, date someone who treats you right and is a gentleman. Life is too short to be with douche bags.
  10. Don’t be a bully or a dick: People who bully others or people who are rude and are jerks are worthless humans.
  11. French fries: French fries are good for you because they are vegetables. The trick is cooking them in vegetable oil.
  12. Stay off your phone: The more you stay off your phone, the happier you will be.
  13. Batman cannot fight Superman: The whole thought of Batman lasting .2 seconds against Superman is flat out stupid. First of all, batman has no superpowers. Batman also has large obnoxious transportation that could easily be spotted by Superman miles away. Superman doesn’t even have to do anything, he could use his Super iPhone and tell everyone where Batman lives by following him from the air. Superman could easily throw a building at Batman from a mile away. Anyone who says that Batman would have a shot, shouldn’t be allowed to have another opinion for at least 10 years.

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  • Thomas P. Valenti

    Excellent advice, all around !!! 🙂