My Cheat Sheet for Understanding Women

It is commonly understood that women are difficult to read and figure out, that there should be manuals filled with 5,000 pages to even try to understand them. While it is true that not all women are the same, there are some consistencies that will get you into trouble and you should avoid them at all costs!!!

Do I look fat in this?: Let’s start with the scariest question of them all. The first thing you have to understand is that even the slightest hesitation when responding could either end up with her being mad at you for 10 years, a breakup, or her just flat out killing you. The trick is to not even think, to not even have your own opinion. The trick is too immediately respond with “you look great!” Don’t say no and of course don’t say yes. Don’t even add “is that a new outfit?” Because if it isn’t, you are totally screwed. Also don’t hang around the room or more questions could come out or more outfits could be tried on. Simple say “you look great” and get the hell out of there! Take out the trash, fix a car, something, anything. You are in a large amount of danger!

Do whatever you want or I don’t care: More men screw this up than anything else. This is a trick. The truth is, there is only a 1.4565% chance (not sure if that is right but it sounds right) that she actually means “do whatever you want.” This is a trap! Sure, she could just say “can you not do that,” but women don’t work like that. They think that you are psychic and you should just know that she doesn’t approve. They are testing you to make sure you are paying attention. Don’t fall for this. When she says that she doesn’t care or to do whatever you want, you need to backtrack immediately and say “you know what, let’s do something together instead.” You will be rewarded with boom boom or you could fall for it and never have boom boom again, your choice pal.

I’ll be ready in five minutes: If you find a woman who will actually be ready in five minutes and means it, you need to marry that chick. She is a fucking unicorn and you need to put a ring on it! What women will never understand is that we know it takes a while for you to get ready. We appreciate all that you do, that isn’t the point. The point is that we can’t plan stuff and we are always late. If you just say you will be ready in 45 minutes, OKAY, we have a plan now. We can start a new XBOX game. We can adjust the reservation. Never rush a woman. Ever. It will never end well. Even asking politely if she really means five minutes will end horribly. You just have to deal with five minutes means 45 minutes and plan accordingly. People are very consistent and chances are she will be 45 minutes late each time, so feel free to make the reservation later than what you originally said. Of course there is the 5% of the time she will be ready in five minutes and then you will also get in trouble.

I’m Fine: Oh shit, oh shit, it is about to get real right now. In NO WAY is she fine. Sure, it would be easy if she just said what the hell was wrong, but women just expect you to know that shit. Tread very lightly in this situation. You can try to be careful and very sweetly ask her “are you sure hun?” This MIGHT work, although it doesn’t often. If you decide not to take the risk or you still don’t get a response with her telling you what the hell is wrong, you need to compliment her. Tell her that her hair looks good (although she might say “what, versus when it doesn’t?”). Be careful with compliments. Ask her how her day was. Try these techniques for ten minutes. If nothing pops out and you can sense she is starting to get annoyed, you need to fucking run. You need to run to the closest store and buy flowers and make a reservation that you will be 45 minutes late to. You messed up somewhere and you have to immediately fix the situation. Every minute the situation is not fixed equals every month she will bring it up during a fight.

Ordering French fries: Now for the bonus round. There is a great chance when going out to eat that the woman you are with will say that she doesn’t want French fries. We all know that this is a TOTAL lie. When you order fries, those fries that she DID NOT WANT, that are on your plate, will 100% go missing. When she says that she just wants one or a few, this is a flat-out lie. What she is really saying is that I won’t order fries, but I will eat 90% of yours. Now being a guy you would think, if you want fries just order some fries. Will never happen. I have struggled with this for years and have come up with a plan to get more fries and to secretly order them for her without her knowing. First, don’t ask her if she is sure. That will NEVER end well. She said no and by you asking her again all of a sudden you are now not being supportive and shit. The only way around this unfortunately is to order two fries and just say you are hungry. This can go badly though if she catches on. The best outcome is to secretly order two fries and then say “oh look, they gave us an extra.” Don’t five her the fries or she will be mad. Instead just put them on the table and she will do the rest.

Some may think to themselves, “Nick, you have never been married and you are 39, what do you know about women?” It is because I am an expert at getting myself into trouble. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Dodge and weave men, dodge and weave, and you might just make it out alive. Sure, life would be much easier if women would just tell us what the problem is, when they will actually be ready and if they are asking for your honest opinion, but we all know that will never happen.

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