Let’s Get One Check And Split It, Wait WTF?

Let me start by saying that I am not cheap. I’m practical, but not cheap. In fact there are a lot of times when I am out with a friend and I will end up picking up the whole check.

This is about the horrible, illogical, flat-out stupid practice of being with someone or a group of people and someone calls out to the server “oh we will just get one check.” When it happens, my entire world falls apart. I break out in a sweat, my hands get clammy, my heart even stops beating for a few seconds and I have to hit my chest to jumpstart it back up again. All of this because I know exactly what is going to happen next.

Now, the process of getting one bill has a little logic to it, because especially when being with several people, it can take a bit of time for the server to figure out several bills and then the kitchen gets messed up and you have food arriving at different times (blog post coming up). Now here is where all of that somewhat logic falls apart, how any benefit is completely and totally obliterated into the five pounds of dust my apartment gets per month for some reason I have yet to figure out.

The problem is it always ends in “let’s just all split it.” OMG. Hold on, I have to go take a shot of whiskey, and breath into a paper bag. OKAY, I am back. Split the what what? So let me get this strait. You ordered an appetizer I didn’t. You had three glasses of wine at $11 each and I had two beers at $6.00 each. You ordered the steak for $25.99, I ordered the chicken for $16.00. You ordered desert and coffee, I didn’t. And this is multiplied the larger the group is. And you want to split that shit? Are you BEEPING kidding me?

And now I am trapped because if I say anything, I am an asshole. I should be able to say that let’s do the math instead because I spent a lot less, but NO. I would appear cheap, a jerk and probably never get asked to the group again. All of this because people can’t bust out their smartphone and use the calculator. It takes one minute. Even though technically you are the asshole for being okay that I am paying $20+ more dollars for food and drinks I didn’t even consume.

This happens so often that I have labeled it the Going Out With People Tax.

And of course you have to tip more because everyone you know doesn’t tip well.

Maybe the reason why our society is so mad at each other is not because of politics, different beliefs, maybe there are just a lot of people update that they are getting taken advantage of?

And notice the next time you are out. The person who says “let’s split the check,” always has a much more expensive bill than you. Always.

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  • Susan Harrison

    So. This. Just. This.