I’m sitting at my computer trying to get some work done with Spotify blazing so loudly in my deteriorating ears that it is no mystery why when someone talks to me, half the time I say “what?” and the other half I simply nod even though I have no clue what the fuck they just said. I have become a master at pretending to listen. Anyway, today is a bit different than normal days.
I went to breakfast (something I rarely do), and early. The coffee was good, the server was half-way decent, and I accidentally had four large cups as if someone put a gun to my head and said “drink mofo.” Come 9 AM my calorie consumption is maxed out already for the day (fuck you hash browns!) and I am terrified that the caffeine will make me crash, and I have way too much work to get done. So I do what any normal person does; I stop at the store, buy a 20 ounce Diet Coke and 24 ounce Arizona Ice Tea. I’m in the shit. I’m back in The Nom. I can’t crash. I need to inject enough caffeine throughout the day to keep up with the high.
My eyes are bugging out, work is getting done, but I am fading. I inject more Diet Coke into my veins, okay, I can do this…
Then. It. Happens.
I get a text from someone who says “Hey, I am downstairs, I wanted to drop something off.” What the what? Not expecting visitors, I cautiously greet my friend who hands me a box of cupcakes and says “I need your opinion on these.” I went from doing SEO work, to being involved in a cupcake tasting…
Chocolate, then vanilla, then the butterscotch thing. The sugar, sends me over the edge, the headache happens, I crash, and the world has ended.
And the worst part? The cupcakes sucked and now it is noon and I have had more calories than the people who participate in the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. And for food that wasn’t even any good.
Now I have a headache, have to eat a salad for dinner, my eyes are twitching, and for some reason I have developed increased paranoia that the cupcakes were laced with cocaine and that the narcs are going to bust down my door and all I did was test some cupcakes :(. The last part could have been my binge of Narcos on Netflix last weekend, but I can’t say for sure.