What I Want For Christmas!

Christmas is coming! And although I am in the camp of never talk about Christmas before Thanksgiving, when it comes to Christmas presents, you have to start a bit earlier to get it out to Santa Claus. I mean, he is very far away and has to plan his routes and deliveries. I will say, however, that Christmas was much more fun when all you had to worry about was opening presents and less to do with just buying a million presents for everyone.

  1. Tree delivered, set up, decorated and then removed service: I love the idea of having a tree, especially with the lights. It just fills the room with Christmas bullshit. What I dislike is having to put any work into it. It’s annoying. You have to carry it, get needles everywhere, and then once you do get it into your place, you have to set it up and decorate it. Just kill me now! This year, regardless of the price, someone needs to deliver it, set it up, decorate it and then remove. Between you and me (keep on the down-low), two years ago I delayed taking the tree down and then several months went by where it was now incredibly awkward to admit to my neighbors that I had a completely dead tree that was four months old, so I did what any normal person would do. I sawed it into 15 pieces and carried it out in several black lawn trash backs as if I were removing a dead body in the middle of the night.
  2. A live-in girlfriend who can fast-forward TIVO during commercials: I thought that once I bought Amazon’s Alexa I could live alone forever and be quit happy. Unfortunately what I came to discover is that Alexa won’t fast-forward your TIVO for you. It happens every-time; I will watch three minutes of commercials until I finally realize that this is taped and I can fast-forward them.
  3. Someone to pretend to be a panda bear: Anyone who knows me knows that I have a certain affinity towards panda bears. They are huge real-life stuffed animals. They are 100% awesome. I researched on how I can buy one. Apparently they do NOT sell them at Target. You can’t buy them, but you can lease them from the Chinese government which costs at minimum 10 million dollars. That doesn’t include insurance or the enormous amount of bamboo they eat (they don’t sell bamboo at Whole Foods FYI). And then there is the getting the Chinese government, the federal, state, and city government, as well as your building association and landlord to agree! NOT EASY! So instead, I think it would be much easier to have someone pretend and dress up like a panda and eat bamboo all day in my apartment. Obviously if I could get a girlfriend who can both remember TIVO AND dress up as a panda, that would be ideal, but so far that is proving impossible to find on Tinder.
  4. Buying a new chef knife without the guilt: Look, everyone knows that I love to cook. And sure my other four chef knives are fine, and someone can even try to make the argument that I don’t “need” it, I “want” it. Well fuck you! I need it! Some people take heroin, and some people love Japanese steel!
  5. Making it illegal for people to mix cheese and seafood together: Having Sicilian ancestry, it is one of my biggest pet peeves to add cheese to seafood. IT DOES NOT BELONG! There is an instance where it is okay, Lobster mac and cheese. I don’t mind because the dish isn’t Italian and the focus is more about the pasta and the cheese. Minimum 50 years…

I am feeling very optimistic this Christmas. I feel like I can get at least three of these four presents. Obviously one and four I can take care of myself. So if you are looking for a loving relationship and you are great at TIVO and being a panda bear, hit me up!


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